


Not Worthy of Your Love

by GypsyGirl79



Series: 13 and Yaz [18]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 15:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18034697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GypsyGirl79/pseuds/GypsyGirl79
Summary: The Doctor is having intense nightmares and feelings of guilt over her near-sacrifice of Ryan’s dad during “Resolution.” She feels undeserving of love, especially from Yaz. Angst ensues.





	Not Worthy of Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few months after Resolution. Thinking about how the Doctor might feel and how Yaz might react to the Doctor’ past. Just my take on things.
> 
> All info on Gallifrey and the Time War is from Wikipedia. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallifrey
> 
> No beta. Mistakes are mine. I’ve edited this multiple times and still not completely satisfied with it, but I’m posting it anyway! Open to suggestions for improvement.

It had been nearly three months since the Doctor and her fam had defeated the recon Dalek. Things had been going well, despite the occasional danger. The TARDIS took them on one adventure after another and everything was as status quo as it would ever be when flying through time and space.

The Doctor, however, wasn’t quite herself. For the last month and a half the Doctor seemed unable to have a restful sleep and Yaz was growing concerned. Her fiancée wasn’t one to sleep much, although since they had been together, the Time Lord actually slept more. Or she made an effort to at least stay in bed quietly and cuddle with Yaz when sleep eluded her. Since late February, she was avoiding sleep at every opportunity; only sleeping when she couldn’t possibly stay awake another second. And even then she didn’t go willingly. The team stood by, waiting until she passed out before carrying her to bed. Sometimes, the TARDIS even alerted them to an unconscious Doctor, passed out on the floor.

And then there were the nightmares. The Doctor was no stranger to a bad dream. Sometimes she would wake up, disoriented, in a cold sweat, calling out the name of a lost companion. Fortunately, Yaz was always there to ground her, talk about it, have a cuppa, and lull her back to sleep. But those nightmares had been sporadic, even before Yasmin Khan occupied her thoughts and her bed. However, in the last month, her nightmares had become more frequent and vivid. She was now afraid to sleep, stubbornly refusing to talk about what was bothering her, and Yaz was at a loss. Her Doctor’s tired eyes and unconvincing “I’m fine,” repeated ad nauseam were wearing thin. Even the TARDIS had lost patience with her thief and would park them in the time vortex until she slept.

Worst of all, the Doctor’s behavior had changed. In the beginning, she had been clingy, especially where Yaz was concerned. She never wanted to be away from her side, more so than usual. However, in the past couple weeks, the Doctor’s personality had done a 180. She wasn’t her bubbly self. In fact, she had become more and more distant from everyone, especially Yaz. She wasn’t mean or rude to her; she couldn’t ever bring herself to consciously hurt her fiancée. But she was noticeably keeping her at arms length. The Doctor shied away from most conversations and any shows of affection, even cuddles. Her mood was morose and it cast a shadow over the whole team. 

As the TARDIS floated through the vortex, the Doctor all but collapsed in the console room. Ryan caught her before she crashed to the floor. Yaz took her by the arm and led her to the bedroom, the Gallifreyan protesting the whole way. “I’ll have a bath,” the Doctor mumbled, stumbling into the bathroom. Yaz, knowing that she was stalling, let her go until she heard a thump and a weak “ouch.” She found her fiancée naked on the floor, rubbing her temple where she had apparently hit her head on the bathtub.

Yaz grabbed a long t-shirt and pulled it over the blonde’s head. “Shower in the morning, love.” She kissed the bruise on her right temple, and was thankful that the Doctor didn’t reject her affections for the first time in weeks. “C’mon to bed, babe.”

The Doctor looked terrified, something that Yaz wasn’t used to seeing. “I don’t want to,” she pleaded, tears welling up in her exhausted hazel eyes.

Yaz quickly exchanged her clothes for pyjamas and helped the older woman off of the floor. “I’ll be right there with ya, love. Don’t be afraid.” She pulled her to the large four poster bed. 

The Doctor was in tears as Yaz pulled her into bed, spooning her tightly. “Why won’t ya tell me what’s bothering you, Doctor?” She got a silent shake of the head as an answer as the Time Lord cried herself to sleep.

***  
_Her beautiful orange and yellow world was in flames. The silver leaves on the trees withered and died like her people. “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” The fucking Daleks were everywhere, unrelenting. Her people were in agony and the red grass burned with the shining cities. It was an impossible decision to make, but the Doctor made it. Her world was gone, along with the Daleks._

The Doctor tossed in her sleep as the anguished screams of every last Gallifreyan echoed in her mind. Her dream continued.

_Frozen. Not in ice, but in time. In a parallel pocket universe. They were alive, but dead to her. She couldn’t reach them. And even if she could, bringing them back would destroy the universe and time itself. They reached out to her, though, through a crack in the universe above Trenzalore. She’s alive today because of them, but they’re as good as dead because of her._

Her head was spinning as her dream switched to her previous regeneration and the last time she ever saw Gallifrey.

She was sweating profusely now, trying desperately to wake up. Her dream continued on, focusing on more recent events.

_“EXTERMINATE!” She thought she’d heard that for the last time years ago, yet here it was, on Earth, and poised to destroy her mates. Her fiancée. She saw the damned rebuilt Dalek back away in fear for just a moment as it recognized the Oncoming Storm. She had to destroy it at all costs. She was supposed to be better than that, but she couldn’t let it live. She couldn’t, no matter the cost. The Earth and, quite possibly, the whole universe depended on it. Ryan’s dad had almost paid the price; a price she was willing to pay to rid the universe of one more Dalek. Her fam congratulated her, but if they only knew. If they only knew. The loss of her home planet was bad enough, but she had lived with that guilt for many years. She was almost used to it. What she feared now was her new fam finding out who she really was; what she was capable of. Their sneering faces danced around her. They would never forgive her. If they knew who she really was, they would leave her alone like she deserved._

The Doctor, now half awake, stumbled out of bed, collapsing in a sobbing heap on the floor. Moments later, she felt strong, loving arms surrounding her, pulling her into an embrace. Sweet lips kissed her forehead and wet cheeks. She didn’t deserve any of it.

“Doctor, love, please... Oh, you’re shaking, babe. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Yaz turned the Doctor’s face gently, so they we’re eye to eye. “This has been going on for too long. You won’t talk t’me, won’t let me touch ya. What’re ya thinking, Doctor? What’s going on in that brilliant mind of yours? Don’t shut me out. Please. What’ve I done wrong?” The worry in her eyes broke the Doctor’s resolve.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, Yaz. It’s me that’s all wrong.” She paused, worrying the hem of her shirt. “I’ve never told ya about my home world, have I, Yaz? About Gallifrey?” She stared up at the illuminated mural on the bedroom ceiling, choking back her tears. “Never told ya about the Time War n’ the Daleks.”

Yaz shook her head. The Doctor sat up and moved away from Yaz, just enough to give her the hint that she needed space. 

“Might as well. You’ll find out sooner or later,” she said, bitterly. “Remember how I said I’ve dealt with Daleks before? The Time War was a long, bloody war between my people and the Daleks. Gallifrey was on the verge of destruction. My people, my family n’ friends, were either dead or dying. So, I ended their suffering.” The Doctor gazed straight ahead, a single tear slid down her cheek. “I destroyed my planet and the Daleks with it. I killed them all. It was t’save them from further agony at the hands of the Daleks, but I can still hear them screaming.” She continued without waiting on a reaction from Yaz.

“Later, I discovered Gallifrey wasn’t truly destroyed, but placed in a parallel pocket universe. Hard t’explain, but they were all alive n’ not suffering; caught in a single moment in time. They were alive, but as good as dead t’me since I couldn’t get to ‘em.” 

“A crooked leader, Rassilon, tried t’ release Gallifrey from the pocket universe for his own gain. There was a rip in the very fabric of the universe above Trenzalore, but that happening would’ve destroyed the universe and time itself. I had t’stop them from returning. I lost ‘em again. But, they granted me a new regeneration cycle. Had they not done that, we wouldn’t be sitting here.” Yaz took her hand. The Doctor flinched, but allowed their fingers to lace together. “Now, Gallifrey is back in this universe, just sitting billions of years in the future, mostly in ruins. It’s safe there. But they can’t come back n’ I can’t go home. It’s far more complicated than all that, but I can’t fully explain it so it’ll make sense to ya.” She finally dared to look at Yaz. She looked somewhat confused; the Doctor always confused her to some degree, but her eyes held no judgment.

“That must’ve been a very difficult decision t’make.” She though for a moment. “You were a different you, then, weren’t ya?” Yaz still had trouble wrapping her mind around the fact that her Doctor had been many different people, capable of vastly different things. 

The Doctor nodded. “Yes. Different me. Different body. Different personality. Slightly different morals, perhaps. But this body and this personality still has t’live with what he did. What they did. The memories don’t change.”

“Is that what your nightmares have been about? Is that why ya can’t sleep?” Yaz squeezed her hand, the blonde squeezed back.

“That’s what my normal nightmares are about, mostly. I’ve lived with them for hundreds of years. I’m almost used to them. But they’ve gotten worse recently. Because of...” she sighed, falling silent.

“Because of the recon Dalek,” Yaz said, remembering the Doctor’s face looked when she realized what had crawled out of the sewers of Sheffield.

“That’s only part of it, Yaz. It’s not the Dalek itself. It’s what I was willing t’do to get rid of the bloody thing that I...” She looked away again. “Yaz, when the Dalek possessed Ryan’s dad, I...”

“Ya saved him, Doctor,” Yaz began.

“No!” The Doctor turned to her fiancée, yelling through tears. “No, Ryan saved his dad! I was willing t’let him fly out into the super nova so long as that damned Dalek was on his back! Ryan never would’ve forgiven me! I didn’t want Graham killing Tim Shaw, but I almost killed Aaron! I’m a damned hypocrite, Yaz!” She released Yaz’s hand. “I’m supposed t’be better than this! I was supposed t’finally get it right n’ be better n’ kinder than those before me! But I’m not! I’m no better!” She stood, walking away from a stunned Yasmin Khan. “When I try to sleep, I see your faces. The whole lot of you judging me for what I’ve done; for what I’m willing to do.”

The Doctor continued quietly. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe we’re a mistake.” Yaz began to protest, but the blonde waved her off. “You’re not a mistake, Yaz; you’re wonderful n’ brilliant, but you deserve better than me. I don’t deserve you. I deserve t’be alone. I don’t deserve t’be loved by someone as kind n’ loving as you. You’re better off without me.” She folded her arms across her chest, staring at the floor as tears blurred her vision.

”Don’t. You. Dare.” Yaz’s voice was tense and angry. “Don’t ya dare tell me what I deserve or who I should love! I love you, Doctor! Yes, you were willing to sacrifice Aaron to kill the Dalek. And maybe Ryan wouldn’t have forgiven ya if his dad died. And, no, I didn’t think ya capable of that, for sure, but...” she paused, softening her voice. “Think of it this way: you were willing t’sacrifice one life to save all humanity on Earth! All humanity!” She grabbed the Doctor by her shoulders, spinning her around to face her. “As a police officer, I’ve gotta be willing to take a bloke out with deadly force, if necessary, if they’re threatening people. Killing people isn’t something any good officer takes lightly, but sometimes ya have to take a life to save a life. Ya do things for the greater good, Doctor! The Daleks would’ve destroyed Earth like they tried to destroy Gallifrey! It’s an impossibly tough n’ painful decision, but ya made the right choice. Sometimes even doing the right thing can have tragic consequences.” She grasped the alien woman’s upper arms. “Doctor. Look at me, please.”

The Doctor lifted her tear stained face. The look on her fiancee’s face caused her to look away as fresh tears fell. It wasn’t a look of disgust or anger. It was a look of love. A love she didn’t deserve. Yaz cupped her cheek, bringing them face to face, eye to eye. “You are better. You always try t’do what’s best. You gave that creature more chances than it should’ve had! You help anyone n’ everyone that ya can. If you’re worried that I’ll leave ya if I see you’re flawed, don’t. No one is perfect. We all strive t’make the best decisions and do the right thing, but we sometimes come up short. You’re no different.” 

She cupped both of the Doctor’s cheeks, keeping her full attention. “I love you, Doctor. Whether you think ya deserve it or not, I love you. Do ya love me?”

The Doctor was openly weeping. She touched the ring around Yaz’s neck. “Yes! Yasmin, I love you more than the universe itself,” she sobbed. 

“Then stop this damned rubbish! Neither of us is perfect. We’ll both make difficult, questionable decisions and sometimes the outcome will be tragic. But we will get through it. Together.” Yaz pressed her forehead against the blonde’s.

“Together,” the Time Lord whispered.

“Now, stop pushing me away and trying to protect me. Talk to me. Let me know when you’re hurting and what for. If we’re t’be married, we talk it out together, got it?” Yaz kissed her forehead as the Doctor wrapped her arms around her.

“I’m sorry! M’sorry, Yaz,” the older woman cried into her shoulder. Her knees buckled and Yaz carefully eased her to the floor. “It hurts, Yaz! It just hurts.” 

Yaz held her fiancée as she wept, her own tears streaking her face, falling into the Doctor’s hair. Finally, the Doctor slumped into Yaz, exhausted and spent. “Let’s go back to bed, babe.” The Doctor tensed in her arms. “It’ll be fine, love. If the nightmares return, I’ll be right there with you. Don’t shut me out like that again.” Yaz softly kissed her lips, tasting the salt of her tears.

“My lovely Yasmin Khan. I truly don’t deserve you,” the Doctor whispered, her voice hoarse from crying.

“Yes you do, babe,” Yaz reminded her softly. 

They cuddled up in bed, the Doctor resting her head on Yaz’s chest. They clutched each other tightly. Yaz carded her fingers through sweaty blonde hair until the Doctor finally fell asleep. The Time Lord awoke twice more during the night, but Yaz held her close, reminding her she was safe and loved.

***  
The next morning, Ryan and Graham found the two women in the console room. The Doctor skipped around, flipping switches and turning dials. She was acting like her old self; as if the past couple months hadn’t happened. She stopped briefly to plant a playful, loving kiss on Yaz’s lips. Yaz smiled as the blonde turned her attention to the guys.

“Where to, today, fellas? Twelfth century France? Fifty-third century Mars? Maybe see the sights in Andromeda?” She bounced on her toes, unable to contain her excitement. 

“Back to your old, cheerful self, eh Doc?” Graham smiled, clapping her on the back. She blushed.

“Yeah, sorry for how I’ve been acting,” she said, shyly. “Yaz got me sorted out.”

“Knew she would,” Ryan grinned, playfully bumping his schoolmate’s shoulder. “Glad t’have the old Doctor back!”

“Oi! I know I’m older than you lot, but ya don’t have t’remind me!” The Doctor pouted until Yaz kissed her cheek. Ryan rolled his eyes.

“Right, Doc,” Graham cleared his throat. “Isn’t that one chip shop I like in Andromeda?”

The Doctor rolled her eyes. “It’s an entire galaxy, Graham! There’s thousands of chip shops! But, if you’re talking about the one that serves the purple drinks with twisty straws, I think I know the one ya mean.” She spun a couple more knobs and grabbed the lever, her nose scrunched as she grinned at her fam. The amount love she felt from them nearly overwhelmed her. She briefly began wondering again whether she was worthy of such love when Yaz’s hand gripped hers on the lever. Deep brown eyes met hazel. Wordlessly, Yaz erased her doubt.

“Brilliant!” The Doctor smiled as they threw the lever together.


End file.
